Conga Line
by erialarrowman
Summary: A parody on all of the strange and slightly twisted pairings found on fan fiction. There's plenty of slash and naked fat people to go around, so those of you who are disturbed by material of this nature, skeedaddle. Scenes of a sexual nature...


disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters from the series by J.K. Rowling known as Harry Potter, so please do not sue us. All we have is pocket lint.  
  
"Mr. Potter? Please stay after class. I would like to speak to you...."  
  
Professor Umbridge smirked maliciously as Harry Potter blushed under the inquisitive stares of his classmates. He hadn't done anything recently.  
  
She glanced to the enchanted clock outside the castle window.  
  
"3:00! Everybody out! Now, now, Mr. Potter. You stay here, dear."  
  
At this, Harry's eyebrows went up. Since when had Professor Umbridge begun calling him "Dear"?  
  
He nervously approached her desk, a look of utter confusion on his face.  
  
"Yes, ma'am? You wanted to see me?"  
  
She stared up at him from her seat for a moment, her face unreadable. Suddenly, she lunged at him, whipping a pair of handcuffs from behind her back and quickly cuffing him to a nearby desk.  
  
Standing above him, she heaved and her drooping, fat-filled breasts heaved. Her cellulite quivered as excitement built within her.  
  
"You have been a naughty, naughty boy, Mister Potter. Now, I will be giving you your punishment!"  
  
She whipped out her wand from beneath her robes and fired one shot at the door, which magically closed and locked itself, making it impenetrable from the outside.  
  
Harry stared in horror as she slowly began to remove her gray, formless robes to reveal her gray, formless body. His eyes burned with tears and he trembled, feeling helpless and severely nauseated.  
  
Then, she raised her wand once more. Harry began to scream as he realized what she was about to do. But he was powerless to stop her. His clothes were magically ripped from his body and flung into a far corner of the sound-proof room.  
  
"So you defeated the Dark Lord, eh, big boy? Well, let's see what kind of tough stuff you're really made of! Oh, god! I've looked forward to this day for years! That's why I took on this shitty job in the first place!"  
  
Her enormous body lurched forward and she straddled his bare back. He collapsed under her tremendous weight and landed on the floor with a resounding THUD.  
  
"Please! Please! Let me go, you evil old bat! Get your slimy pockmarked arse off of me! Help me, somebody! Please, anybody! I'm being held against my will!"  
  
Desperation tinged his hoarse voice and he struggled like a mad man, but all in vain. Rather than being deterred by this, Umbridge seemed to get off on it.  
  
"Oh, talk dirty to me, Harry, honey! Yes, yes, yes, you little black- haired beast! More, more! Give me everything you've got!"  
  
"I swear, I haven't got anything! Just leave me alone! What the.... AARRGH—blllphhhffff...... Quit humping my----bllfffgrrrgnyyyh---face, you------ ewwwwmmmph----nasty, revolting-----mimblewimble----disgusting, horrible----- woopwoopwoop----BITCH!"  
  
Suddenly, Umbridge's eyes lit up with a sudden burst of inspiration and she released his head from the killer grip of her thighs. She dashed to the opposite side of her desk and began rummaging around in the drawers.  
  
"Where is that, goddammit! I know I kept it somewhere!"  
  
As she searched frantically, Harry attempted to escape, but the handcuffs were under a magical charm and, try as he might, he couldn't unlock them.  
  
A click from the door interrupted them both, and Umbridge stood up abruptly. Snape peered in, clearly in shock. His eyes traveled first to Umbridge, then to Harry.  
  
'Please', thought Harry, silently. 'Please help me! You're on my side, I know you can help me.'  
  
Snape's eyebrows rose.  
  
He summed things up, silently.  
  
'Okay, on one hand, you have a creepy old prune who hates children almost as much as you do. On the other hand, you have your worst enemy in the entire world. The right thing to do would be to rescue young Master Potter.... Fuck it! This should be interesting."  
  
Without a word to either of them, Snape conjured first an easy chair, then a bowl of popcorn, and promptly sat down, making sure to close and magically seal the door again.  
  
Umbridge stared at him for a moment, then shrugged her shoulders and returned to her search.  
  
"Found it!" she cried triumphantly.  
  
In her pasty, pudgy hands, she held a large flesh-colored rubber strap-on. Enchanted, of course, to expand at the will of the wielder.  
  
Harry's eyes widened in terror as she approached him once again, this time clutching the strap-on. He struggled frantically to undo the handcuffs and twisted as she tried to grab him and force him to the ground. Snape laughed uproariously.  
  
"Being a little—grunt---oof--- difficult, are we, dearie?" Umbridge's face was crimson red from exertion.  
  
Harry's foot came out, sending her crashing down on top of him, her face right near his buttocks.  
  
"Ahhh, this is lovely! Perfect landing!" She lifted the strap-on high into the air, and paused for a brief, climactic moment.  
  
"Please, NOOOO!!!" Harry shrieked.  
  
Ignoring his desperate cries, she plunged the conical piece of rubber deep into his rectum.  
  
"Oooooo-oooh......" Pain contorted his features and tears streamed down his pale, slightly green-tinged face. There was definitely some ripping going on....  
  
"Oh yeah! How tough are you now, Harry baby? Huh? I want to hear you scream my name!"  
  
Umbridge was pounding, harder and harder, bruising his cheeks and stretching his sensitive anus to its very limit.  
  
"Mommy...." Harry whimpered, unwillingly taking Umbridge's merciless thrusts.  
  
Snape was becoming increasingly hot around the collar. He had already removed his robes and was sitting in his boxers. Then, he felt a telltale tug in his groin, and a tightening in the crotch area of his underwear.  
  
"Oh my... the erection of the century! All over seeing Potter taking a bit of loving from that fat sow, Umbridge."  
  
Suddenly, something inside of him clicked. He raised his wand (the wooden one) silently and aimed it at Umbridge's head.  
  
"Stupefy!" he cried. Umbridge fell to the floor, engulfing Harry's twitching, tightly curled body in pounds of flab and skin. Unearthing the deeply traumatized boy from his fat-filled prison, Snape didn't even look at him.  
  
"Ahh, now it's my turn...." He smiled evilly, then, without another word, flipped Harry back over and inserted his own throbbing member into Harry's small, smooth brown rectum.  
  
Hermione sat in the corner, crying in horror under the invisibility cloak.  
  
Harry cringed, waiting for further pain and torture, but surprisingly, what he felt was not entirely unpleasant. Snape's touch was gentle, yet firm, and the end effect was not entirely unarousing.  
  
In fact, Harry began to enjoy himself.  
  
"Oh... oh yes! Oh, give it to me, daddy! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Harry moaned as Snape shoved his flaming penis of love deeper and deeper within the boy.  
  
"You like that? Take this, sugar buns!" BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM  
  
During this, Hermione decided she just couldn't take it anymore. She threw off the cloak, stormed over to Snape, and screamed.  
  
"How dare you, you horrible, wicked, evil man!" She began slapping at his back and face, making a general nuisance of herself.  
  
"Get away, Miss Granger! Can't you see that I'm busy at the moment? Go bother Mister Potter's other side." With one flick of his wand, he had removed her clothes and placed her squarely on Harry's hard-on.  
  
From an outside window, the entire Slytherin Quidditch team watched in shock and awe on broomstick, several of them sporting their own stiff poles at the sight of a naked and surprised Hermione. Seeing their House Head getting down and dirty with two Gryffindor 5th years was disturbing for most, and yet strangely fascinating.  
  
Draco was leaning against the glass, his face pressed against the window. Suddenly, the glass shattered, sending him tumbling through into the steamy little class room. He landed on top of the unconscious Umbridge, and quickly crawled off of her.  
  
Snape's head jerked up as he registered this new intruder. Instead of being upset, however (he was in a very good mood), he called out, generously, "Join the conga line!"  
  
Draco didn't need a second invitation. He was behind Hermione faster than a jack rabbit out of a frying pan.  
  
The rest of the quidditch team stared at each other in amazement, let forth a great cheer of support for their teammate, and continued watching the show.  
  
The Weasley twins discovered a secret passageway that led from the Sniveling Witch directly to the room in which all of the action was taking place. They turned up in the thick of things and, grinning to each other, each took a side of the line. George positioned himself behind Snape, Fred behind Draco.  
  
Ron was feeling rather lonely at about this time.  
  
"Hmm, I wonder where everyone's gotten off to? Man, since Padma dumped me for Seamus, I've been pretty down. I wish Harry and Hermione were here to cheer me up.... Where is everyone anyway?"  
  
He looked up to the North Tower, where the entire Slytherin team was gathered around a large broken window 15 stories up.  
  
"What's going on up there? Hmph, probably just some kids going at it in an empty classroom. Whatever. I'm going to bed. Who knows where Harry and Hermione are....."  
  
Oh Ron. You have no idea how close you were to the truth. 


End file.
